I’d also like to take this opportunity to remind everyone of my FormSpring account, so feel free to leave any questions or general comments there.

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Thank you all very much for joining me for Part Three. It’s not necessary to read Part One and Part Two for this article (you’ll still learn something if you don’t), but Part Two is at least recommended.

For Part Three, I will be continuing with my dissecting of My Immortal, but with a little surprise for you all at the end that I hope you’ll enjoy.

Before that, I would just like to make a few statements regarding the series:

• I want to thank every single person so far who has supported this and spread this around. The success of each article always overwhelms me; you are all fantastic and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
• I would also like to thank everyone who asked me to critique their writing as a result of previous news articles. Yes, you read correctly, I’m thanking them: it was a great opportunity to sample different pieces of writing from the site and to gain experience as a critic.
• I adore reading all of your comments, so please continue to leave  comments (even though I may not be able to reply to all of them).

This news article will be divided into four sections; to skip to a section, simply press Ctrl + F and enter the number provided for the section.

1.1    - The Beginning
1.2    - The Critique
1.3    - ’Nostalgia Critic’ – Critiquing my old writing
1.4    - F.A.Q.s & Misc Information

1.1 – The Beginning
My Immortal is a Harry Potter fanfiction written by author Tara Gilesbie sometime in 2006, following the adventures of Original Character Ebony (often misspelled ‘Enoby’ and ‘Eboby’ ) Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way. It was uploaded to FanFiction.Net, which proceeded to get over ten thousand reviews, mostly consisting of flames. So many people flamed the story that it quickly became one of the most reviewed fanfictions on the site. Late in 2008, the fanfic was deleted from the site for ‘Disregard for proper language: grammar, spelling, punctuation, and etc.’ (Yes, it was literally too bad to be on the site). Despite being deleted from the site, Tara Gilesbie (speculated to be a troll) has left her own legacy: many people have written various fanfictions in her ‘unique style’ of writing and various Dramatic Readings can be found of the fanfiction on YouTube.

The fanfic can now be found here, so don’t be afraid to read along.

1.2 – The Critique

Please note that the quotes I am extracting from the fanfic are only superficial problems that can used to educate others. To appreciate repetitive mistakes and other problems in the fanfic, you will need to read it all yourself. You will be in my prayers, soldier.

–
B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself.

Strangely enough, I’m starting on a somewhat positive point (which was slightly touched on in the second article). A problem I see a lot of amateur writers suffering from is the fact that they are worried about how a reader might perceive their character – they must like them. It is alright to portray your character as an asshole at times if they’re a protagonist, it makes them more human. Sticking with Harry Potter, an example of this is when Harry shouts aggressively at Lupin in The Deathly Hallows: I wanted to murder Harry at that point (I’m a big Lupin fan), but it didn’t affect my overall opinion of him. Another example of this is Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice: the book is determined to make you hate him at the start, then your opinion of him changes gradually.
This would’ve been a perfect example of this, if only for the lack of punctuation and the odd ‘crying myself’ at the end.

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb…

Womb? WOMB? WOMB?

I’m sorry, I just needed to get that out of my system. Here is Tara Gilesbie kindly showing us that it is essential to study your Biology notes before going off to write fiction. If you don’t, you’re going to end up in the news article of some random Irish girl advising people on how to write.

Note: There is no M-Preg in My Immortal, so that can’t even be used to ‘justify’ the existence of the womb.

Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly…“Because I LOVE HER!”

A staple of the typical Mary Sue in fanfiction is the fact that every existing canon character wants to be with her. Currently, Draco and ‘Vampire’ are virtually at war over Ebony, Snape and Lupin spy on her in the shower, and now poor Hagrid is declaring his lust for her. The number of people who declare their love for Ebony increases over time, eventually leading to Voldemort himself stating that he loves her. As if manipulating protagonists and minor character to love a fan character isn’t bad enough, manipulating a villain is where the line is crossed.

To be a villain, a certain level of callousness and decorum must be assumed (unless it’s a wacky villain). For a villain to declare their love for a protagonist, a fan character nonetheless, simply heightens the fact that they’re a Mary Sue. In my humble opinion, I believe that a villain declaring their love for a protagonist fan character is one of the quickest ways to have your character labelled as a Mary Sue.

If you are writing original fiction, you might make it so that a villain declares their love for a protagonist to show that the villain has a softer side. It takes a very skilful writer to pull this off, so be aware of this. If you wish to show that your villain has a heart in a more straightforward manner, you may want to consider the ‘petting the dog‘ scenario.

Note: This may be different in cases where the apparent ‘villain’ is friends with the protagonist, an example being Lord Henry Wotton in The Picture of Dorian Gray.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “ Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!”

Mary stood with a sword in her hand, scarlet blood dripping from the tip. The blood told tales of her opponent’s intestines, crying for the mercy of their owner’s HI BILLY MAYS HERE TALKING TO YOU TODAY ABOUT OXICLEAN.

And then the atmosphere was ruined. Completely ruined.

Not only is there an Author’s Note interrupting the sentence (which I discussed in the second article), but there is an advertisement. Once again, the advertisement revolves around Gilesbie’s own personal taste in music, making the writing about her once more and completely disregarding whether or not her readers might share her taste. Not only that, but it completely ruins any previous attempts to establish an atmosphere: when I read, I am completely immersed in the writing, but when an advertisement/Author’s Note interrupts the writing, I am pulled out of it like a fish on a hook.

I’m sorry for getting you involved, Mr Mays. May you rest in peace.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”

I know, I’m confused too. ‘WTF’ means ‘What the fuck’, not ‘Where the fuck’; this is also a classic example of Gilesbie re-writing something to suit her.

Although abbreviations can be incorporated into character’s speech because they are becoming more common nowadays, they shouldn’t really be left in their abbreviated form – they should be enunciated. Instead of “Lol, Mr Funny Guy”, it should be “El-oh-el, Mr Funny Guy”.

However, it might be best to consider when to use abbreviation in speech: abbreviations are mostly used when humour or sarcasm is trying to be established, for example ‘OMG’, ‘lol’ and ‘TMI’. When a character is angry, they shouldn’t say “WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?” because it doesn’t sound very threatening. Instead, just stick to the standard naughty word in the sentence.

In terms of abbreviations when narrating, these are a complete red-light zone because it is the mark of a juvenile writer: it makes the writer appear lazy.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”

In all seven Harry Potter books, I’m pretty sure you can find the line ‘Great man, Dumbledore’ being spoken by Hagrid. Even when everyone turned their backs on Dumbledore and accused him of going senile, Hagrid defended him fervently.

So why is Hagrid shouting at Dumbledore? Simple: it fits together nicely with Gilesbie’s idea of an angst-ridden teenager. Again, another OOC moment provided by our favourite Suethor.

“You look kawai, girl.” B’loody Mary said sadly…

First, we started off with Gilesbie bombarding us with her musical taste, then her ideals of stereotypes, now what she likes – Japan and Japanese culture.

I cannot emphasise this enough: please do not bombard your writing with Japanese culture if you are writing in a Western setting. If you do, you are saying to the world “I love anime and manga, so now I’m going to transfer it into my writing to show everyone! They’ll be so impressed with my knowledge of Japanese from watching subtitled anime!”. Placing a Japanese word in a sentence is the equivalent to placing an Author’s Note or advertisement – it just ruins the atmosphere. The only time I can really see this being justified is in anime fanfiction: an example of this is Ichigo from Bleach shouting ‘Bankai!’ when he uses his bankai.

Also, the word ‘kawaii’ (cute) is juxtaposed with ‘said sadly’, making absolutely no sense as the sentence would have been said with enthusiasm.

Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. …“Vampire you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me.

This is a tip for those of you who write in first-person. If you use ‘we’, it only makes sense to assume that the party of people are consenting to whatever is happening, such as ‘we got on the bus’ or ‘we went to the park together’. However, it is then implied in this scenario that Ebony didn’t consent to ‘the screwing’, which may confuse people and cause them to re-read the sentence.

Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him.

Again, the author has mistaken the name of a character: it is Wormtail, not Snaketail.

”Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Snaketail.

Now we have Draco, Vampire, Hagrid, Wormtail and eventually Voldemort who are madly in love with Ebony. Oh my, it’s a love…hexagon.

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B’loody Mary, because she’s not ugly or anything.”

This line is completely unfair to any reader who suffers from low self-esteem: it is acceptable for a protagonist to consider their powers a curse as it yields a certain responsibility, but this is simply ridiculously. A character should only consider their good looks a curse if they are a character that is deliberately supposed to irritate the reader, such as Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.
Also, she is contradicting herself: she once stated that Hogwarts was filled with ‘hot gurlz’, now they are all suddenly plain and ugly. If you have a problem with consistency (which a lot of people do, myself included), always be sure to re-read previous chapters of your work.
From this line alone, I can tell that B’loody Mary is an insert of a friend of Gilesbie’s as she is deliberately being sycophantic towards her. Be careful when giving your friends cameos in fiction as it can result in ‘Author’s Darling‘.

“Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he’s a necphilak.”

“Kawai.” I commnted happily.

The word ‘necphilak’ is supposed to be ‘necrophiliac’, meaning ‘an erotic attraction to corpses’. Necrophilia in its own is quite disturbing to read about, yet Gilesbie adds insult to injury by deeming it to be cute. So, er…don’t do that, readers.

“You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?” he asked.

Again, Mary Sue has the ability to manipulate men so that they give her free stuff. If you insist on having a character that can charm men in this way, it might be a good idea for it to backfire on her on some stage to show that she isn’t invincible. An example of this could be attracting the wrong type of man (seeing as Ebony was given something for free because of how she looked that night) and it leading to consequences.

She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.

This is the part where I say ‘X, Y, and Z may find this offensive because…’, but I’m not going to. Instead, I’m going to bluntly state that I find it offensive. As someone who is aspiring to be a psychologist majoring in eating disorders, this is the exact stereotype that bugs me to see glamorised.

Some of you may have bypassed that line while reading, so always be cautious of the little things that could offend people while writing.

Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash.

Yet again, Gilesbie is re-writing a character’s backstory, the victim this time being Neville Longbottom. Neville’s parents were tortured and rendered incapacitated by Bellatrix Lestrange, they did not die in a car crash.
If you are planning a character’s death, I would advise you to choose an alternative death from a car crash as it is quickly being known as ‘the convenience death’. As much as I love Supernatural, they abuse the car crash trope to absolute death, so much so that I keep a mental tally chart of how many parents of random characters have been killed in car crashes.

“No one fucking understands me!1” he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz.

If I sat here and said ‘He’s a Gary Stu because he is moaning about how terrible his life is’, I’d be a pretty big hypocrite seeing as I just promoted tantrums in my first point. However, when making a character go into a tantrum, it is all about how it is executed. In this scene, the tantrum seems very spontaneous and he doesn’t show any signs of depression beforehand: this makes the reader have very little sympathy for the person and will just roll their eyes at it. If there is tension building up to the moment, it will seem a lot more poignant depending on how the revelation is worded.

I can’t help but feel as if Gilesbie used ‘no one fucking understands me’ because it is so deliciously, stereotypically ‘emo’. I’m not sure whether or not it is meant to be serious or sarcastic, but if you insist on associating one of your characters with a particular stereotype, try to find a way to poke fun at it to add some humour.

Then I went. Den I gasped…………………………………………………………….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!

Re-write. Snape and Lupin do not get along well together. Done. Moving on!

Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik.

We know from previous romance novels that love triangles can be tricky things, often causing frustration and soggy pillows. Ebony is stuck in a love…ahem, hexagon, yet she so flippantly goes from one man to another without any signs of remorse. If a character does this, they should either: a) be a protagonist who recognises that what they’re doing is wrong afterwards, or b) be a character that we are supposed to loathe.
Also, moshing while making out? I predict some bruised foreheads in the morning.

It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle’s dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor…

Re-write. How could they possibly all have the same father? Done. Moving on!

“Very well.” Dumbledore said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…………………………………………………………………..Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.”

Huzzah! Out of all capable students at Hogwarts, it is only Mary Sue that can save the day.
You may argue that Harry Potter could be the same, but I very much doubt that Harry would’ve gotten as far as he did in the war against Voldemort if it weren’t for his friends helping him. In fact, even Rowling herself makes fun of the ‘chosen one’ trope: in nearly every book, he is some form of ‘chosen one’, and most of the time it isn’t even him.

If you are writing fanfiction involving an OC of your own, it would be a bad idea to make them the only character in existence that can save something/prevent something: it undermines all of the canon characters to make your character look superior, which may irritate hostile readers.
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1.3 – ‘Nostalgia Critic’ – Critiquing my old writing

Something I dislike seeing greatly is the belief that all critics are ‘high and mighty’ and just critique others to pad their ego. For around 90% of the time, this is absolutely not the case, so I thought it would be a good idea to show that I can laugh at myself by digging up some of my old writing. We all start somewhere, it’s just too bad that I started off as an absolute brat.

Before I start with the self-critique, I’d like to give a little bit of hilarious background into this piece that will shock you.

I’m not sure exactly when I wrote this, but I’m pretty sure I was around twelve years old. At this age, I thought I was the best writer in the universe and absolutely no one had ever given me a critique in my life, so I wasn’t used to criticism.

At the time I was writing this, I was good friends with a fellow writer only around three weeks older than me; we always wrote little stories for one another over MSN and we got along really well together.

Then, one random night, I asked her if she found any particular faults with my writing. Her response? “Well, not really, but I think you use too many exclamation marks sometimes.”

My own personal response? “FUCK YOU, YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WRITING”. I then proceeded to block her for the entire day and began crying at my computer desk.

No, really, that is genuinely what happened.

Now, when I receive a critique, I practically knit it a nice little jumper and give it a name. Learning to accept critiques isn’t always a natural process for people, but it is always worthwhile in the long run, so don’t be afraid to ask for critiques.

Now, on with my terrible writing!

Note: Now, when I add an exclamation mark in a sentence, I think to myself ‘Is it really necessary?’. That’s from a flippant remark made five years ago, which shows the power of critiquing.

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X was extremely gifted, he had the mental brain of a Harvard student and in 2 weeks he would be moving to Seattle Grace High School, regarding his age of 5 years old, if he saw a painting once, he could paint it again from memory, Y cherished the painting of the Mona Lisa he did for her 26th birthday.

Wait, what? Huge Gary Stu characteristics, lack of full stops/periods and stolen place names? (Seattle Grace being the name of the hospital in Grey’s Anatomy) Ah, to be twelve years old again.

Not a wrinkle grew on his face, not a bit of weight did he put on, he looked the same after 5 years, the long hair brushed his shoulders keeping them spotless, she almost forgot what he looked like since he cleared off during the birth after someone wanted to speak to him, but as soon as she lay eyes on him, all the memories they shared came flooding back.

If anyone can read this sentence out loud without the aid of an inhaler, I will happily give them a giant cookie. I like to call this ‘Run-Along Sentence Syndrome’: if you don’t divide up your sentences with appropriate punctuation, your inner voice will become tangled and confused. Run-along sentences can sometimes be used in first-person narration for humour or even poignancy, but this just takes the biscuit (no, not giant cookie, biscuit). Also, ‘cleared off’ is a way too colloquial term to use in third-person narration.

Of course Z wasn’t his real name, it was a name Y gave him because he told her he was the king of a foreign country and to pronounce his real name, a part of her tongue would have to be surgically removed, so what was she to do? Get her tongue cut off, or give him a name easily pronounced, I think you all know the answer!

This is what I like to call the ‘Wallbreaker’ paragraph: this makes so little sense that I want to bang my head off a wall. According to my previous logic, a woman who is obviously being lied to (oh, how so very obvious… ) should marry the man lying to her and have children with him. The worst thing about it is that I tried to portray Y as a ‘strong female character’.

Not only that, but the narrator is interacting with the reader with the line ‘I think you all know the answer’ – this should never happen. The closest a narrator should get to a reader is in first-person narrative, an example being Nick’s narration in The Great Gatsby: Nick never physically addresses the reader, yet there are times when it seems that he is scolding the reader for the lifestyle choice they may have.

Z couldn’t give it away, he couldn’t, but he decided to tell the truth. “Why do you think that?” he asked. Y’s breathing was silenced, clutching her hand into a fist, how could he be so naïve!

This paragraph started off on third-person focusing on Z, then it switches to Y, then I throw a random thought in there. The focus of narration should never fluctuate mid-paragraph; it may fluctuate per chapter, or even in a separated piece of a chapter (though it may get confusing), but never mid-paragraph. If the narration is third-person and a thought wants to be included, it’s best to put it in italics to show that it’s a thought.

Then she remembered something, something she couldn’t get out of her head, those eyes haunted her every night when she went to bed. “And the birthday party…” she whispered, tears welling in her eyes, trying to forget.

“Ring the doorbell!” Y laughed. A looked up at her, although she could only make out one eye, that eye gleamed.

From one paragraph to another, I have skipped back to around a year ago without any prior warning. Great, fantastic! If you want to avoid the mistake I’ve made while transitioning through time, separate your paragraphs with several dashes ( – ) or asterisks ( * ).

When R came to her room with A, everyone’s eyes lit up, he was always the life of any party, all the boys wanted to be his best friend, all the girls wanted to be WITH him, he greeted all the guys, knowing their names off by heart, and of course, hugging all the girls.

YOU’RE LIKE FOUR, YOU SHOULDN’T BE HUGGING AND FLIRTING WITH GIRLS.

Ahem, anyway…
If you have a protagonist who is popular with a lot of people, their introduction is crucial as the reader can deem them as ‘just another popular kid’. I have done just this, flaunting how amazing he is to everyone in an obnoxious manner. The only type of character that should have this sort of introduction is a character whom we’re supposed to dislike. Again, Gaston from Beauty and the Beast comes to mind seeing as there’s a song in the film dedicated to how amazing he is.
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1.4 – F.A.Q.s & Misc Information

Where did you come across My Immortal?
To be honest, I really can’t remember. I remember coming to it at one point, laughing my head off, then coming back to it a while later. I still remember those late nights on MSN laughing my head off with a friend reading through it. Not only that, but my best friend and I did a Dramatic Reading of the first ten chapters, but I can’t find a converter for the file format I recorded it in. It was quite funny; I called ‘Hilary Duff’ ‘Hilary Duck’ by accident.

I hate people who go around telling people their characters are Mary Sues. Do they have nothing better to do than pick fights with people!?
Who says that informing someone that their character is a Mary Sue has to end in a fight? A Mary Sue character (unless done deliberately for humour) is often the mark of an inexperienced story creator, so it’s only fair that someone should point it out so that they can improve. No one pointed out to me that X was a Gary Stu, I had to figure it out for myself.

Okay, I was accused of having a Mary Sue character, now I fixed them. Will people get off my back now?
This is another mistake I often see people making: they give a character a quick touch-up and never return to them again. I’m sorry to break it to everyone, but character development is a never-ending process. I’ve been developing a few of my characters for the guts of four years, and they are still being chopped and changed to this day. Your characters should be a reflection on your story-creating ability, so why keep a character completely the same after, say, two years improvement?

How do I find out if my character is a Mary Sue?
Well, the quickest way may be to take the Mary Sue Litmus Test. However, I insist that you read the whole introduction to increase validity of results and to possibly minimize hurt feelings.

I want to say something/ask you something, but I’m too scared.
I know this seems like quite a cocky question on my part, but I am genuinely amazed at the amount of people who are too afraid to approach me about something. I’m a big fuzzy teddy bear, don’t be afraid!

Misc Information
Here are some very helpful follow-up guides, or simply some amusing links related to the topic:

• TVTropes – A very fun website which reveals names given to certain aspects of writing (an example being ‘ Petting the dog ’ earlier). I can literally spend hours on this site, and I hope you can too.
• Mary Sue’s Evil Twin…? – A very informative news article on the anti-Sue, a close relative of the Mary Sue. This article by the lovely mayfire44 is definitely recommended.
• WTP’S GUIDE TO EFFECTIVE DEVIANTART CRITIQUING – A great read for anyone who has been inspired to help other deviants by critiquing.

Thank you all so much for your support so far and thank you for reading. x

I’d also like to take this opportunity to remind everyone of my FormSpring account, so feel free to leave any questions or general comments there.

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Hello everyone, and thank you for joining me for Part Two.

In Part One, I received a number of wonderful suggestions on what Part Two should consist of, but there was one thing I was not counting on seeing in the comments – the success of My Immortal. I laughed so hard receiving comments like ‘What the hell did I just read!?’ and ‘I think my heart just stopped’; these comments inspired me to dedicate a portion of the ‘series’ to dissecting the horror that is My Immortal.

Now, on with the show!

The Beginning

My Immortal is a Harry Potter fanfiction written by author Tara Gilesbie sometime in 2006, following the adventures of Original Character Ebony (often misspelled ‘Enoby’ and ‘Eboby’ ) Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way. It was uploaded to FanFiction.Net, which proceeded to get over ten thousand reviews, mostly consisting of flames. So many people flamed the story that it quickly became one of the most reviewed fanfictions on the site. Late in 2008, the fanfic was deleted from the site for ‘Disregard for proper language: grammar, spelling, punctuation, and etc.’ (Yes, it was literally too bad to be on the site). Despite being deleted from the site, Tara Gilesbie (speculated to be a troll) has left her own legacy: many people have written various fanfictions in her ‘unique style’ of writing and various Dramatic Readings can be found of the fanfiction on YouTube.

The fanfic can now be found in the link above, so don’t be afraid to read along.

Dissecting/Annotating

Please note that the quotes I am extracting from the fanfic are only superficial problems that can used to educate others. To appreciate repetitive mistakes and other problems in the fanfic, you will need to read it all yourself. You will be in my prayers, soldier.

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way…

Names have already been touched on in Part One. Feel free to make your way over there if you are unfamiliar with it.

(AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!)

A very good writer once told me to state all Author’s Notes before the chapter actually begins; by doing this, the reader keeps what is said in mind without being distracted. Example:

Mary looked at Arthur in disgust. “Arthur…how could you say such a thing? My father (P.S. Mary’s father was killed in the army when she was young) advised me against such a thing.”

Can you honestly tell me that that is not distracting?

I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England…I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.

There is no Hot Topic in England. Even if you’re writing fanfiction, a small amount of research can make a big difference; some people may review just to catch you out, which may be embarrassing. If you are writing an original universe and wish to get it published one day, I cannot emphasise enough how important research is.

For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

Is anyone else bored out of their mind? I know I am. If you eat birthday cake every day of your life, it won’t have the same effect as if you only have it on your birthday. The same can be said about descriptions; if you describe something truly spell-bounding in a beautiful manner, it will stick in the reader’s mind. If you describe a leaf that’s just fallen in front of your face in ten lines, your audience will become bored. When describing human beings, Cedric Diggory from the H.P series is a great example: we are aware that he is handsome, but J.K. Rowling only describes him initially in two lines. Compare this to Robert Pattinson’s other persona, Edward Cullen in Twilight: Stephenie Meyer compliments and pinpoints everything wonderful that he does, even going as far as to emphasise his wonderful driving skills. For those who have not been absorbed by the fantasy, it is simply boring to read.

I was walking outside Hogwarts. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

I left the house. I saw a tree. I said hi to it. It smiled at me. I proceeded to go to school. I had a good day.
Do you know one of the reasons why that collection of sentences is so boring? There are only full stops/periods punctuation-wise, making it stiff and un-story like. The last two sentences could easily be brought together using a semi-colon, which would more than likely impress your reader. For more information on using semi-colons, please go here. I will touch on the offensive side of this quote in another quote.

It was…. Draco Malfoy!

When I read that line, all I can imagine is a ‘Guys and Dolls’-esque scenario with characters jumping out and gasping dramatically. Unless you’re deliberately trying to be cheesy, there are far better (albeit, less camp) ways of introducing characters. Example:

‘It was a voice that was familiar to me – it was Draco Malfoy.’

Again, I will touch on the misuse of ellipsis in this quote later on as it is something the author frequents in.

…“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

While there is nothing wrong with first person narration per se, it can sometimes be tricky to develop other characters while overcoming things such as bias. However, I don’t even see the narrator being developed in this fanfic: speech between two characters could easily be divided by the narrator’s thoughts and feelings towards the other person for the sake of character development, but I see none of this. If only Gilesbie put as much effort into character relationships as she does describing ‘ttly goffik’ outfits…

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)

Although dedicating characters in fiction to real-life family members/friends isn’t earth-shattering, a problem not many are aware of can arise from it. If you add a friend to a story/fic very rarely, they may become the subject of Author’s Darling. If you are unaware of what Author’s Darling is, please read this.

I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.

Always be aware of your audience when writing; this quote could serve as a virtual slap in the face to a cutter/recovering cutter. Not only could this be offensive to cutters/recovering cutters, but it could also be offensive to Goths: as Ebony is described as ‘ttly goffik’, it is quite clear that Gilesbie associates the cutting stereotype with Goths, which may not be the case.

To be honest, I’m going to bank what I said and simply state that it’s offensive to pretty much everyone.

Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner

The ‘baggy black skater pants’ are what bothers me the most about this quote. For anyone who has read Harry Potter, they will know that Draco is quite high-class; Rowling often describes Draco as ‘sleek’ and quite eloquent. It is my personal belief that Draco would ridicule someone who dressed in ‘baggy skater pants’, meaning that the author has edited his character to suit her universe, making him Out of Character (OOC). Similar to the research bullet point, people may just review your fanfiction to point out that a character is OOC. Unless you’re writing a crack fic and stating so beforehand, try to keep canon characters as in-character as possible.

We both smoked cigarettes and drugs…

If you cram your perceptions of what is ‘cool’ into a story, you’re more likely to create a badly-written self-insert Sue. It’s pretty clear that Gilesbie sees cigarettes and drugs as a sign of coolness, otherwise her precious characters would not be taking them.

P.S. Auntie Natalie says cigarettes and drugs are baaaad, mkay?

“Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

It’s not fair to thrust your own personal feelings on your reader; for all you know, some readers may like Hilary Duff and be offended by your statement. Not only this, but I am convinced that the opinion voiced in the above quote is the opinion of Gilesbie; if she is using her OCs as vessels to voice her own opinion, the OC in question will more likely be a self-insert Sue.

instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!

Ellipsis is used in sentences for dramatic effect, pauses etc and are composed of three full stops/periods only. A pet peeve of mine is when a person uses more than three full stops/periods for an ellipse; this often shows that they are not aware of the basics of an ellipse, making it appear unprofessional. If you want to drag something out for dramatic effect, make the character stutter. Example: “I…you…we…we did…”

Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok

If you are Tara Gilesbie at this point, many people will have bombarded you with reviews happily pointing out previous mistakes (such as the Hot Topic ordeal). If you are Tara Gilesbie, you will trip over yourself in an attempt to make up a ludicrous excuse for your mistakes while attempting to maintain your superiority over your fans.

If you are a mature, humble person, you will admit to any mistakes made in the next chapter, or simply edit out said mistakes. People like a humble person, enough said.

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

I very much doubt that the Draco Malfoy designed by Rowling would publically announce his feelings for a girl as he frequently does with Ebony. In the world of My Immortal, not only are canon characters re-written to suit a universe where Goths rule with an iron fist, but canon characters are also re-written to suit the OC – a giant no-no.

He looked exactly like Joel Madden.

Likening characters to celebrities is a big no-no; it makes them appear unoriginal and makes the reader believe that the writer has skimped on developing the character’s appearance in order for them to indulge in their fantasies.

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.

Apart from the superficial problem that it is creepy, this quote shows the lack of understanding the author has of first person narration. First person narration fails to acknowledge the audience as we are being treated to a character’s mindset, but the quote acknowledges the reader with the inclusion of ‘you sicko’.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

‘Vampire’ Potter has just admitted to being a blood-sucking monster, followed by the annotation ‘he giggled’. Not what you’d expect from a monster, is it? Try not to make the speech itself and the annotation clash; it could very easily ruin the mood.

(AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)

If someone accuses one of your characters of being a Mary Sue, ask them to elaborate.
If they have already elaborated, pay attention to what they are saying; people don’t give critiques because they’re trolling you (which I am so bloody sick of hearing), they’re trying to help you.
If you’re finding the experience difficult, step away from the computer and relax for a moment. What you don’t do, however, is act like nothing’s happened and pinpoint every good deed you think you have done in terms of character development. Not only is this uncomfortable to read, but it makes the author look like a child who cannot accept criticism.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

I’ll just put this here…offensive beyond all reason, anyone?

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out.

Although I am writing to criticise, this appears to be a positive. If your character is in a foul mood, show it. One type of Sue I’ve come across is one that is always happy and cheers everyone up with her perfect radiance – do you think there’s a human alive who is happy 24/7? If your character is peeved/vulnerable, don’t be afraid to elaborate on it.

My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. …Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it.

Again, a canon character is completely written to suit Ebony’s taste in a best friend.

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.

In this quote, Gilesbie treats ‘Crookshanks’ as a spell; in reality, it is the name of Hermione’s cat. It is important to get all of the facts straight when writing fanfiction, otherwise readers will comment/review simply to prove you wrong.

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes…

With the deliberate misspelling of otherwise easy words, the writing feels uneducated and all previous attempts to appear professional are forgotten in an instant. Not only this, but mainstream misspellings and abbreviations such as ‘smexy’ and ‘OMG, TMI’ may irk a reader.  The only time misspellings of words are acceptable is when the person is speaking with an accent. Example: With my accent, I pronounce ‘you’re’ as ‘yer’. Therefore, if I were to be quoted in a book for saying ‘You’re pulling my leg!’, it may be spelled, ‘Yer pullin’ me leg!’.

Voldemort gave me a gun.

Why Voldemort gave Ebony a gun in a universe where magic is superior is something I will never know – changing universe, perhaps? All I know is that I need to lie down.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.

Even if I change the wording of the sentence to ‘Voldemort had a you’re-an-idiot look on his face’, it is still too colloquial to use. Instead, try searching for a word that has the same meaning of what emotion you’re attempting to portray in the character’s face; in the process, you may even improve your vocabulary. Example: Instead of saying, ‘Harry had an I-don’t-think-this-is-a-good-idea expression on his face’, you could say, ‘Harry had an apprehensive expression on his face’ or ‘A look of foreboding spread across Harry’s face’.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods

Between the events of the two sentences would have been perfect for developing Ebony’s feelings towards being approached by Voldemort, but Gilesbie decides to throw away said opportunity in the name of convenience.

I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s –

…Since when was Draco a vampire? Why are you telling us this piece of information now as if we’re stupid for not knowing? Again, Gilesbie could’ve introduced drama into the fic by Draco confiding in Ebony that he is, in fact, a vampire. Instead, Gilesbie chooses to reveal it to the reader with a badly-placed Author’s Note and with a dude-ur-so-retarded (geddit cuz im goffik?) tone.
Vampires like ‘Vampire’, Draco, Ebony, B’loody etc seem to be typical vampires, which Gilesbie has not researched very well. In traditional vampire lore, vampires suck the blood of humans as they are dead and do not possess any blood of their own. If blood is so precious to them, why is Draco cutting himself and wasting precious blood? The mind boggles…

You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

Again, I can’t help but feel that Ebony is serving as a vessel for Gilesbie’s opinion: perhaps she was called a ‘slut’ relatively close to when the chapter was written and felt upset as a result? My badly-written self-insert Sue senses are tingling. (‘Self-insert Sue senses’ – I can alliterate!)

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character?)

Again, Gilesbie is attempting to shrug off accusations that Draco is Out of Character by flaunting how ‘in-character’ he is to others – not very mature, is it?
In terms of Draco’s character, there is only one word that is in-character – muggle. I doubt Draco would call someone a ‘poser’ or a ‘bitch’; he would possibly opt for a condescending insult, such as ‘Pathetic Mudblood’.

“Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

Seeing as Draco is a vampire now, I have found quite a big loophole. Compare this to ‘he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s‘ – did he slit his wrists with a crucifix? I doubt he did. If you make statements such as these, make sure to stick to them.

–

Be sure to watch our for Part Three, where ‘Vampire’ Potter removes Snape’s and Lupin’s…er, wombs, death and necrophilia are ‘kawaii’ and all the major villains fall madly in love with Ebony.

Thank you all so much for your support so far and thank you for reading.

I studied both plays for months before writing this screenplay (which got full marks), so anyone reading this can rest assure that I’ve written this in utter commitment of proper screenplay layout and format.

***

In the industrial sector of St. Louis, a run-down bar lurks in the corner of a fashionable street. From the outside, the bar appears to be derelict and abandoned, yet there is life inside. The dull copper bricks crumble at the touch and the paint of the windowsill is crusted and peeling. The bar lacks any distinguishing features apart from a bold sign above the door that christens it as ‘The Black Widow’. The interior is mostly mahogany seats and tables; any remaining upholstery on the seats is a forest green. The bar is decorated with inharmonious objects, ranging from boating oars to Chinese dragons. ‘The Black Widow’ is mainly androcentric, yet is often housed by lonely women seeking a beau for company.

At the bar sits Amanda Wingfield, a faded Southern belle in the firm grasp of senility. She ignores the workmen in the background celebrating the end of the working week. Instead, she stares off into the distance as she taps her glass carelessly.

[The saloon-type doors of ‘The Black Widow’ open to reveal a woman entering, illuminated angelically by the streetlights permeating the musty bar. Her walk is of stark contrast to her surroundings – she is delicate and effeminate. The dim lighting of the bar adds mystery to her persona as her face is somewhat in shadow. Several inebriated gentlemen wolf-whistle in her direction, which she takes note of by tapping her cheek lightly. As she takes a seat at the front of the bar left of AMANDA, a drunken man stumbles into the jukebox, changing the song from a smooth jazz track to a blue piano.]

BLANCHE: An orange juice please, Garcon.

[BARTENDER looks peculiarly at BLANCHE. AMANDA stirs, glances quickly at BLANCHE, then turns to BARTENDER.]

AMANDA: Bring one for me too, please.

BLANCHE [Turns to AMANDA]: Why, we’re sisters of the pulp!

[AMANDA takes a fuller look at BLANCHE. She appears middle-aged and is wearing a flowing white dress of Indian cotton, with exotic black embroidery on the chest and hem. She is decorated in rhinestone jewellery, which AMANDA mistakes for diamonds in the dim light. She refines her tone and chooses her words carefully.]

AMANDA: Why yes, I do suppose we are. My name is Amanda Wingfield from dear St. Louis – a pleasure to meet you.

BLANCHE: Why, I assure you the pleasure’s all mine! I’m Blanche DuBois of New Orleans.

AMANDA: I thought I recognised that pretty Southern accent! Er…it isn’t a habit of mine to surround myself with…drunkards, I’m simply sampling cultures.

BARTENDER [placing drinks on counter]: That’ll be fifty cents, lay-dee. Amanda, yah want me tuh put it on yer tab?

AMANDA [feverishly]: Heavens, you must be mistaken! Must be another Amanda, not I! Here, I’ll pay now. [She opens her purse to pay, where a photo of her family in the old apartment can be seen. The wallpaper is eroding with damp and the curtains are moth-eaten.]

BLANCHE: May I see that?

AMANDA [snapping the purse shut]: I’d rather not.

BLANCHE: Why not? Is it a portrait of your salad days? Did you sell your soul to prevent aging? You can get treatment for that Dorian Gray syndrome…

AMANDA: Dorian what? [She continues quickly] It’s a photograph of my children. We…eh, were visiting the elderly that day. Poor dears lived in such squalor! [She surrenders the photograph].

BLANCHE: Why, such charming children! I have none – too busy living the good life! My latest beau and moi just finished a year-long cruise. It was magnificent, sister – such beautiful scenery!

[Image on left screen: BLANCHE taking a bath in STELLA’s apartment surrounded by tropical wallpaper.]

AMANDA: Sister, I’m so happy for you!

[Image on right screen: a photograph of AMANDA taken with a green-tinted lens.]

BLANCHE [Reminiscing]: I remember leaving the port in New Orleans. My beau, Shep Huntley – perhaps you’ve heard of him – had the most enchanting pearl of a boat I ever did lay eyes on. The boat was named ‘Iofiel’ as a tribute to me – it’s the angel of beauty! Even the Navy waved to us!

AMANDA: The…the Navy?

[The blue piano sounds harshly in the background.]

Was there any other interaction?

BLANCHE: With ourselves and the Navy men? Oh no, they were just honoured that the highly-revered Shep Huntley’s ‘steed’ rode past them. It doesn’t matter anyway, I did a lot more interesting things and met a lot more interesting people than common Navy folk. Why, the very next day we were enjoying tribal circle dances in South America!

[Image on left screen: BLANCHE sitting in a circle during group therapy.]

AMANDA [bitterly]: Navy folk are not common! They sacrifice their lives to protect this great country. That’s what they all are, self-sacrificing…

[Image on right screen: TOM labouring in the shoe warehouse with scraps of poetry crumpled into his pocket.

[AMANDA’s voice is heavy with regret. Directly above her, the bulb of a hanging lantern flickers on and off.]

We need the Navy, we can’t say we don’t! They keep our heads above water while they sink under the giant ocean, completely insignificant. We’ve got to show the Navy that we care about them, otherwise…otherwise they’ll abandon us! Then what do we do? We’ll be an inferior nation, that’s what we’ll be! We won’t be able to pay our foreign debts – Canada will have to move in with us! Then Canada will be rude and disgusting and will force us all out into a much smaller island where the company are drunkards and always squabble and…and…

[AMANDA fails to hold on to the metaphor as the weight of reality forces her to crumble. She produces a handkerchief and dries her eyes while BLANCHE places her hand on her back.]

BLANCHE [concerned]: Sister, is something the matter?

AMANDA [wearily]: Once upon a time, I had the good life – your life – firmly in my grasp. I had dozens of gentlemen callers to choose from, each richer than the last, but I settled for him. I chose romance over financial security. [She laughs exhaustedly] And look where I am now! A son who’s abandoned me and a beautiful daughter whose face is constantly masked in tears. I just had to choose the sensitive one…

BLANCHE: …Sensitive one?

[The polka tune, the Varsouviana, begins to play in her head. She blinks heavily, as if she is fanning away a harsh memory. The polka tune fades away as the blue piano becomes more dominant.]

It stops when I tell it to now…now! Where were we? Darling, if we don’t choose the sensitive men, we get the brutes. Those filthy, unholy, disgusting rejections from civilization and etiquette! You could be trapped by a man who…who licks his fingers while he eats and beats you and makes you ferment in unrequited love. Treasure, you might be damaged by that old beau, but a broken clock is still right twice a day.

AMANDA: I remember that, it’s an old Polish proverb.

BLANCHE: It’s Polish? [She turns her head away, muttering] I hereby condemn it to the fiery bowels of Hell.

AMANDA: Excuse me?

BLANCHE: Oh, nothing.

AMANDA: Okay…what about you? Has Mr Huntleigh always been your beau?

BLANCHE: Not always. Beauty is a transitory thing, and my beau appreciates me for my intellect, charm and personality. It is tragedy that moulds personality, and it is this personality that he has…fallen for. I was spoken for in my youth by a young writer named Allan Grey. Grey! Nothing ‘grey’ about him – each stanza of his poetry was a different colour of the rainbow. He was…taken from me one fateful night, taken by a truly selfish person…and I beheld it…

AMANDA: I’m…so sorry. We’ve both lost someone, but I drove mine away.

[BLANCHE touches her chin, her eyelids narrowing in contemplation.]

I need to learn to hold on to what I have before I see it evaporate before my very eyes. Laura’s the eldest, but she’s still my little girl. She needs me, she’s…‘sick’, and so am I – sick of this unfulfilling life. But I can’t shake the feeling that it’s unfulfilled because I’m letting it evaporate. Sister, we need to cling to the people in our lives now more than ever – we’re…not long for this world. We need to rebuild bridges and tread over them and be as humble as we can be. It’s too late for me, but maybe this old fool can help you cling onto Shep for as long as possible. Just…please…forget about the yachts and holidays for a moment and cling! Cling to that person who always believed in you and would never hurt you!

BLANCHE [dreamily]: I…will. [She checks her watch] Oh my, I am late for an evening meal with dearest Shep! I really must go now, but I shall never forget this encounter with you. I truly hope things will improve for you, Amanda.

AMANDA: Goodbye, Blanche.

[BLANCHE finishes her drink, clutches her bag and leaves the bar. While BLANCHE leaves, AMANDA apologises to the BARTENDER and resumes their conversation.]

* * *

[At a nearby hostel, BLANCHE stares emptily at the lobby telephone as she strokes a piece of paper in her hand. She then rises defiantly, marches to the phone and dials the number on the paper with determination. She takes a moment to compose herself, clearing her throat and taking a deep breath. Moments later, the call is answered.]

BLANCHE: Stella? Stella baby? Is that you? It’s…it’s Blanche…

[Underneath the lobby table, a spider spins a protective cocoon for her developing eggs.]

If you’re a rather inexperienced artist, the hair is the selling point of your character. If you’re quite monotonous when it comes to drawing faces, the hair can be the feature that distinguishes two characters between one another. In a way, hair is as unique as character building itself: there are magazines, websites and articles dedicated to the plethora of hairstyles that are out there.

So please, for the love of God, stop this insanity.

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I have no sense of fashion or hair style or whatever. However, no one can be so clueless about hair as to make the same mistake that I see recurring over and over and over again.

Tipped hair.

Here is a picture I found after a few seconds of Googling of a girl with tipped hair:

Pretty, isn’t she? Notice how the red tips compliment the colour of her hair and how smooth they are.

Now, let’s see how the  ‘dolling’ community are handling tipped hair.

No. No with a capital ‘N’. If you want your character to have tipped hair, follow these guidelines:

• Ensure that the tip colour compliments the hair colour. Black and red compliment one another, blue and white don’t.
• When you’re drawing hair in the first place, make sure it flows and is not rigid; these doll bases are the epitome of stiffness, which makes the hair even more comical.
• Because of how stiff base hair tends to be, I deeply recommend NOT using bases when trying to depict your original characters. Instead, here are some options:
  - If you’re a writer and not accustomed to drawing, why not give it a try? You WILL improve with time, trust me. Just make sure you reference images to get a better idea of facial stucture/anatomy before going freestyle.
  - If you’re dead-set on not drawing, why not commission an artist? They will capture your OC beautifully, PLUS you’re helping the artistic economy.
  - If you’re broke, why not request something from an artist who is accepting requests? There’s nothing more annoying than being bugged to take requests when it states that you’re not accepting them. Don’t get a reputation for yourself for the sake of fanart, please.

Now, here are some more hair tips:

• Rainbow hair/fur = instant reputation as a Mary Sue/Gary Stu artist. It doesn’t matter how amazingly-developed their backstory is or how well-balanced they are, the labels will come pouring in and you probably will be scorned at.
• Why not let hair be a part of your story? This is quite important if you’re a writer because it helps the reader visualise what the character looks like (as stated at the beginning). In some cases, it can also add depth to the character (an example being Niamh).
  Devil’s Precipice Examples
  - Niamh: Was very proud of her long, blonde hair until around puberty age. When her parents were late picking her up from school one day, two passing old women tuttered at her and began gossiping about how parents were stuck in the 60s and insisted that their little boys had to have long hair like ‘back in the day’. This tipped Niamh over the edge and forced her to cut her ponytail off. Now, her hair is short and frames her face very effeminately.
  - Alex: Has awful bed hair and makes either his mum or Mimi fix his hair in the morning. Niamh and Dylan use this as a way to mock Alex for being so incredibly lazy.
  - Mimi: Was teased at school for being a ginger kid. Around the age of eleven, her mother dyed it a fiery red to reflect her personality.
  - Dylan: Is a punk and wears his hair in spikes to reflect this.
  - Jack: Jack and Mimi got friendly with one another (which eventually became a relationship) after Jack visited Mimi’s mother’s hair salon because he wanted ‘cooler hair’.
• Give your characters a change once in a while! I’ve seen OCs that have the same hairstyle for around twenty-thirty years. That’s not very realistic, is it? Well, it could be for an unglamorous housewife, but it all depends on your character.

Thank you very much for reading, I hope you found this educational.

Note: The base/doll images used are for educational and demonstrative purposes only and is in no way, shape or form a personal attack against the creators – I simply found them. If you are one of the creators and you find this usage offensive, please let me know and I’ll take them down. However, I would also implore you to read this as a way of bettering your  OCs.